Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Fruit Round-Up

When I was a kid we would play a game in wednesday night clubs at church called "fruit basket upset." In the spirit of that game, I will provide a candid and hard-hitting examination of all fruit and rate its overall quality.

Apple: very versatile. good in pie. many choices of flavors and styles (my favorite is Gala, although the tartness of Granny Smith is quite good( on a side note, WHO was Granny Smith, and what about her personality made her tha name given to an overly tart and crisp apple? was she a legitamate 'tart', a woman who is slutty and brash? or was she a strong assertive senior who's quick (tart) wit made her endearing?) )
Rating: 8

Banana: as far a fruit goes, it's easily portable and not too tough, peeling and enjoying it is much neater than the orange, yet lacks the scurvy fighting power and the flavor of its rotund counterpart. However, as a sexual metaphor, its as strong as you can get, easily surpassing the biblical "lost innocence" connotation of the apple.
Rating : 7.5

Orange: i think the juice of this fruit is more popular than the fruit itself. wedges are great for re-charging small soccer players, and entertaining others with the "orange mouthpiece" trick. Its kind of messy to peel and eat, being too sticky to be self contained. However It's unmatched in Vitamin C.
Rating: 6.4

Pineapple: exotic, and at times inaccessible due to an outer skin that's downright scary. once you CAN get past the prickles, the fruit is AWESOME. perhaps it knew that if it was easy to get to such good taste, it would be all over for the pineapple. So it developed the most ugly and fearsome exterior to scare away the wimps. bring a knife, and fight for it....its worth it. Heck, even if it had Scorpions* growing on the outside of it, it would be worth it.
*(Not the German Heavy Metal band)
Rating: 9

Grapefruit: like a big fat orange, it's messy, but much more delicious than the small guy. most people eat it with sugar, so it loses some points there. you should be able to eat it plain without making a sour face.
Rating: 7.6

Grapes: portable and easy to steal at the grocery store. (pop several dozen into your mouth while shopping!) if you are buying them thinking you can make raisins forget it. it takes WAY too long.
rating: 5.8

we will examine vegetables at a later date. Bon appetit!


Jack said...

This has to be the WORST review of FRUIT I have ever read!! What were you thinking??? I hope I never see another blog this inane again!!! Plus, there is no way a grapefruit is better than an orange...your f%*&ing nuts. Maybe you should review nuts...and then rate peanuts above cashews!!!!

Sierra Wilson said...

very funny. i love apples.